www.polyamorymichael.com

6 Responses to Polyamory: Married and Dating

1. 

   mmcclure

   July 12, 2012 at 6:08 am

   NEGOTIATE POLY AGREEMENTS by Kamala Devi

   This excerpt from an article Kamala Devi, keynoter and star of the World
   Polyamory Associations 12th annual conference at Harbin Hot Springs, California,
   July 13 -16, offers guidelines for negotiating poly agreements, the subject of
   the training session she and Michael McClure lead at the Conference:

   “It is up to each individual to decide what he or she
   is comfortable with in relationship and then to negotiate
   agreements and boundaries with each of his or her partners.
   This negotiation can look like a graceful dance or a
   crunchy compromise. In any case, it is always a co-creation.

   “Assumptions about relationship agreements are neither
   advisable nor acceptable. Clear communication is absolutely
   vital in poly. Many people are afraid even to start a
   discussion with their partners for fear of rocking the
   boat, but we strongly encourage you to “get over it”. If
   you are able to speak the very thing that you are afraid of
   saying, you will be free. It takes great courage to
   negotiate a relationship agreement. The co-creation is an
   art which ultimately leads to greater understanding of self
   and others. Ultimately, when we have spoken and/or written
   agreements, everybody feels safer and can move forward with
   a greater sense of trust and freedom.

   “If you are not currently in relationship, it is still
   valuable to explore your needs, desires, triggers and
   bottom lines. This personal growth work will help you
   attract appropriate partner(s).

   “Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind when
   creating relationship agreements is that with more
   experience, comfort and support, your rules will change and
   evolve. It is inevitable that some agreements will have to
   be revised and that some agreements will become
   unnecessary.

   “The examination, discussion and process of creating
   agreements can be a profound part of our growth. Once we
   have worked out the details of our agreements through
   journaling or dialog, it is time to put our agreements in
   black and white.

   “Creating a written contract can be fun! It is a
   declaration to the universe that you and your partner(s)
   aren¡¯t subject to unconscious mainstream conditioning. It
   may be as formal or as poetic as you like. Some contracts
   are written like marriage vows with statements such as,
   “I vow always to share sexual energy as an expression of my
   love and affection.” Or, “I vow never to withhold my love
   from you or anyone else.”

   “Once you and your partner(s) have written the contract, sign it and save it so
   you can retrieve it and review it during periodic relationship discussions.Here
   are examples of terms and clauses that people have used in their poly contracts:

   SINGLE-SEX POLY
   When bisexual individuals in a poly arrangement agree to date one sex and not
   the other sex.

   PRIOR APPROVAL
   When a couple agrees to open the relationship but they want to meet any new
   partners before moving into sexual territory. Often, the primary partner’s
   comfort level is a decisive factor before moving into sexual territory with
   someone else.

   VETO POWER
   When the primary partner is given the
   power to approve or veto any outside relationships. If the
   primary partner does not approve, then the new relationship
   is not allowed to continue.

   CONDOM COMMITMENT
   When condoms are not used in the primary relationship, but are used when having
   sex with other people. In other words, the couple practices safe sex with
   everyone else.

   FLUID BONDED
   Any relationship in which partners are allowing the exchange of bodily fluids
   and having barrier-free intercourse.

   FLUID MONOGAMY
   When couples use condoms with all relationships except the primary relationship.

   TELL-ALL POLICY
   When individuals in a poly relationship agree to inform each other of the full
   intimate details of their involvement with other parties.

   NEED-TO-KNOW
   When partners agree to an open relationship and promise to inform their partners
   about any information that may affect the primary, such as when they start
   sleeping with someone else. This differs from
   Tell-All Policy in that there is no need to report unlessasked.

   DON’T ASK/DON’T TELL
   When individuals would rather not know any details about their partner’s outside
   relationships.

   SOFT SWAP
   When intimate behavior such as kissing, petting, and oral sex are allowed with
   multiple partners but penetrative sex is allowed only with the primary.

   PACKAGE DEAL
   When a couple only dates and has sex
   with others when they are together.

   NON-EXCLUSION
   When primary partners are always
   invited to join each other¡¯s dates and sleepovers. In other
   words, nobody spends the night alone unless it¡¯s by choice.

   NO DRAMA
   If a relationship has a repeated pattern of
   emotional crisis, creating undue chaos, and challenging
   other relationhips, it can be considered drama, which by
   this policy is not tolerated. The No Drama policy can also
   take the form of placing a limit on how often and how long
   relationship issues are discussed. Compulsive emotional
   processing can be counterproductive and addictive.

   Polyamory requires more communication, but there is such a
   thing as too many “deep and meaningful” conversations.
   Creating agreements can help new lovers feel safe. As
   you evolve and become more adept you may decide to keep
   looser agreements or fewer rules. However, we caution seekers to
   take it slowly. When seekers dive into the deep end of
   polyamory too quickly, they often end up bonking their
   heads. If you are new to poly, we suggest you move only as
   fast as the slowest link in your relationship chain. If the
   relationship is meant to be, everyone involved will grow
   together. If it is not meant to be, you may grow apart.
   Separation can be a profound opportunity for spiritual
   growth.

   We must give ourselves and our partners permission to
   communicate, renegotiate, forgive and accommodate.
   Remember, rules are made to be broken. We are human, afterall. Ideally,
   communication occurs before an agreement is broken, but we¡¯ve experienced
   incidences when this is not
   possible. We are not suggesting license for anything goes.
   We simply recognize that as a subculture, polyamorous
   people tend to be renegade spirits who rebel against rules.
   It is not uncommon for individuals, couples and pods to
   outgrow their agreements as fast as they can discuss them.

   Ultimately, individuals must walk the path that
   matches the shape of their heart. Many people who discover
   they are not monogamous find it challenging to swim against
   the mainstream current alone. Whether you are celibate,
   monogamous, or polyamorous, we encourage you to surround
   yourself with individuals who are spiritually and sexually
   positive. It takes courage to reach out and accept support
   from healers, friends and family, but once you dip your
   toes into the stream of a sacred path, you will find
   teachers to help guide your way. If you continue to move
   towards the messages from your body, belly and heart, you
   will know when it is safe to dive in.”

   Join us in an intensive, playful, entertaining, active, respectful, informative
   participatory sharing, learning opportunity for networking and celebrating
   polyamorous conclave consciousness for a weekend.

   Join Kamala Devi, Scott Catamas, Evalena Rose, Dr. Sasha Lessin and other
   polyamory luminaries Friday, July 13, 2012 at 12:00pm Sunday, July 15, 2012 at
   10:00pm at the HARBIN HOT SPRINGS STAN DALE CONFERENCE CENTER, Middleton,
   Northern California. ****

   At Harbin PolyCon 2012 you
   *Play, share multi-lover interests:
   *Vet potential lovers
   *Experience polygroup relationship negotiation & lovemaking techniques
   *Manage jealousy
   *Ponder polyactivism, group marriage, child custody, group housing
   *Enjoy poly-oriented music
   *Participate in and react to panel discussions
   *Peruse poly films
   *Join a poly-tantra ritual
   *Commit to Your Poly Relationship in a Ritual Before the Poly Community
   *Celebrate the party of the year!

   Click
   http:www.worldpolyamoryassociation.net for schedule of workshops, registration
   and accomodation info and announcements of an amazing surprise Kamala Devi will
   soon offer. Call 808 244-4103 and talk to Janet Kira Lessin, Chief Focalizer,
   World Polyamory Association

   Reply

    
2. 

   Michael

   July 23, 2012 at 6:35 am

   http://www.teamtriad.org/home/2012/7/13/my-thoughts-about-showtimes-polyamory-married-and-dating.html?lastPage=true&postSubmitted=true

   Reply

    
3. 

   Michael

   July 23, 2012 at 7:00 am

   by Brian Ballard Posted on Friday, July 13, 2012 at 11:47AM

   The producers of Polyamory: Married and Dating were presented with a considerable challenge for their opening act; how to, in 30 minutes, not only introduce viewers to polyamory for likely the first time, but also introduce us to two established poly families, provide us with something more than a glimpse into their lives, and show us the unique trials and triumphs of those living a polyamorous lifestyle. Despite those challenges, they got a lot of it right.

   Their textbook descriptions of polyamory were solid and positively framed. And, the families they chose represent a nice cross section of America… A married couple, Kamala and Michael, decide to invite their long-time partners, Jen and Tahl, who are also married, to move in with them and then young son, Devin. Anthony and Lindsey are married and living with the third in their triad, Vanessa. Lindsey has just returned home from a 6-month stint at graduate school in Northern California, and is missing her new boyfriend. They’re people you might encounter at work or at the grocery store or on vacation and not once guess they might be living a life that’s slightly different from the usual dog-and-two-kids existence.

   The show is played out in typical reality show fashion. We’re a fly on the wall, spying in on the day-to-day lives of both families. The producers frequently cut to studio interviews with families members as they candidly recount their thoughts and feelings of the experience as the drama is happening. Not surprisingly given the tight schedule, editing is extremely fast paced, and important decisions seem to get vetted in mere minutes of conversation, with the focus of the editing being on the greatest points of friction.

   That last point is one of the two complaints I have about the show. With strong communication being such a cornerstone of successful polyamorous relationships, the editing style doesn’t accurately relate to us all of the conversation that is happening in the cracks. Some of us might be able to fill in the blanks having been there many times ourselves, but I fear much of the non-polyamorous audience will be left feeling that their judgments of polyamory will be justified by the narrow cross-section of the action being played out.

   It’s also unfortunate there is no room for expert commentary/analysis to the drama being played out. For example, while the triad’s veto conversation about Lindsey’s new boyfriend provided us an inner look into the kinds of very real conversations that poly families have, audiences would have also been well-served with a discussion about “rules” and how they often serve to coddle fears and create room for misinterpretation and distrust, as is what happened in this case. The triad’s ultimate solution, of course, is to jump into bed with each other, despite the lingering questions and doubts. This focus on intense drama, followed by group sexual situations, was definitely cause for concern. It only reinforces the inaccurate notion that polyamorous relationships are only ever tracking the pendulum between fireworks fueled by pain and jealousy on one side, and fireworks fueled by unfettered sexuality on the other.

   Fortunately, we’re presented with a lovely counterbalance in the quartet of Kamala, Michael, Tahl and Jen. Where Vanessa responds to her unexamined fears and anxieties with a quick and forceful veto, Jen’s reacts by openly and calmly expressing her fears, then making a few simple requests for reassurance before jumping in headfirst into the new living arrangement. Though, it’s worth noting the lack of closure around her sort-of-request around sleeping arrangements/times with her husband. Jen’s pseudo-request is clearly a rule that she’s perhaps afraid to admit to, while the other three are ready to dive in and take their relationships to the next level. Based on the second episode previews, this misunderstanding will play out dramatically soon enough. That aside, the quartet has already been shown to demonstrate significantly more skill and care in their communication than the triad.

   The next challenge for the producers, now that they’ve laid the groundwork, is to find ways to compellingly portray the families ironing out their communication, and working together to ensure that everyone’s needs are met, creating opportunities for individuals to grow and work through their fears. I’m very interested to see, for example, how the quartet handles fallout from the misunderstanding set up by Jen’s aforementioned non-request, and how the producers choose to frame the conversation. Regardless of how it’s portrayed, though, I look forward to seeing the wonderful community of experienced non-monogamists and relationship coaches out there quickly jump in to lead the conversations that will no doubt be played out in homes across North America.

   Overall, there’s good reason to be encouraged, as evident when Kamala emerged from a cuddle pile of the quartet consummating their first night together living under the same roof to ask a still anxious Jen, “What do you need?” It’s a tender and honest moment that, for a moment, takes the attention away from the sex and rightly puts the focus on the intense energy that can spiral out of group love and intimacy, and the strength to support that can be drawn from that energy, and fed right back into the group. It’s polyamory at its best, and it put a huge exclamation point on the end of the show.

   I look forward to next Thursday.

   Reply

    
4. 

   mmcclure

   July 26, 2012 at 6:07 am

   Thank You Daniel Schmachtenberger!
   Thursday night was the dark night of my soul, my worst night ever. We were getting ready to celebrate and watch the second episode of our TV show and I got a text that said my 5 year old son Devin had been hurt and was at the hospital. Kamala Devi and I rushed there with Daniel Schmachtenberger and Roxanne DePalma.
   At a sleepover, Devin and his friend Kaden had been sleeping under a high, wall-mounted book shelf that broke loose from the wall and fell on their heads. Devin had a deep gash in his head near his hairline and Kaden had a deep gash across his nose. There was still a lot of blood on Devin’s hands and feet.
   The surgeon prepped Devin to stitch him up and then stopped the procedure and called me over. In the deep gash he showed me Devin’s skull and a visible fracture. I couldn’t absorb this new information but with fear. After both boys came back from cat scans we waited to hear that Kaden was fine but that Devin had some air and blood under his indentation fracture. Fear.
   I was thankful that Kaden got stitched up and was released within the hour. His mother Margaret had come with the two boys in the ambulance. She had held it all together beautifully and fiercely and I could see the stress on her. His father Johnny showed up soon to shuttle Kaden back with his little brother Jett.
   The doctors on staff in the emergency room were professional and I thank god they were there that night. They assured me that Devin would be okay but a neurosurgeon would have to study the cat scan in the morning and determine if there needed to be special surgery and what that would entail. Fear again.
   At this point, Daniel Schmachtenberger stepped in and did the requisite, “my brothers and me got stitches from axes, sticks and rocks in the head, many a time, and look how we turned out”. I had to ignore the how they turned out part, but the rest Daniel delivered with amazingly accurate technical knowledge and an uncanny prediction about how the night and this coming week would play out.
   It was two in the morning and Daniel went back to our house and got toiletries and pillows for us. I pray that everyone has someone in their family who can support them like Daniel did for me. It was when he was there that I could go out in front of the hospital and cry with Kamala Devi. I knew, from him, that Devin was going to be okay, yet I still had to mourn the loss of something so deep, I’m still not sure what it was.
   Kamala Devi and I made it through that night. We slept in small portable beds at the head of Devin’s bed, listening to the monitors’ steady beat, the nurses coming in every few hours with a flashlight to make sure Devins eyes were still dilating.
   The next day Jennifer Gold and Tahl Gruer came and brought us food and supplies. We got Devin home the next night.
   It amazes me to hear people question the love we have in our polyamory family. I cry each time I think about it.
   I love you Daniel. Thank you for being in our poly pod.

   Reply

    
5. 

   Michael

   July 27, 2012 at 7:16 am

   Showtime’s Polyamory Is Trashy, Profound and the Best Reality Show on TV
   Rich Juzwiak

   Just as the concept of polyamory is many things to many people, so is Showtime’s current series Polyamory: Married & Dating. It’s alternately hilarious, shocking, poignant, titillating and cringe-inducing. But it’s also important.

   Polyamory and the range of ways it can manifest itself in its practicing groups, and then still, what it means to each person inside these groups, is not an easy thing to telegraph. This show lays it out as carefully as possible in its profiling of two multi-person committed relationships. It works not just as the freak show that we’ve come to expect from reality TV, but also on a political level. The slippery slope anti-equality argument stating that if gays are allowed to marry, then soon we’ll have to allow multiple partners to as well, is bullshit not just for side-stepping the issue – if you believe in the fundamental principle of sexual equality, that it doesn’t matter what people do in their bedrooms as long as they aren’t hurting others, there is no legitimate ethical argument against the kind of configurations you see presented on Polyamory. If you don’t want polyamory, stay out of a triad. Simple.

   The “mind your own business” mindset gets complicated when those involved make their private lives public. But then, the lives portrayed here are perfectly suited for the format. Reality TV typically forces its participants to examine themselves closely. In extreme cases, those on screen are deprived of outside stimulation so that their focus turns to the social politics of their living situation. At the very least, those on reality TV are made to sit through marathon interviews picking apart the nuances of their behavior and its motivation. Never have I seen a situation that naturally fits this format as well as that of Showtime’s currently airing . As Tahl explains in the video above, “Jen and I have our rules. Mike and Kamala have their rules, but now not only are you just bringing two couples together – it’s a four-way dynamic. And so, it makes it more complicated.” With their intricate configuration, these people would have to openly and routinely examine their and their partners’ emotional situations, with or without cameras pointed at them. The show was already going on.

   The emotional articulation of the four described people makes for riveting viewing – not since the early days of The Real World have I been so obsessed with watching people sit around and babble about themselves and their lives, nor have I so deeply lamented that they only do it for 30 minutes once a week. Their self-consumption is infectious.

   Keeping track of the rules makes this non-competition series something of a game. As it unfurls steadily, slowly revealing new offshoot scenarios that can affect or avoid the central relationship dynamic, Polyamory builds intrigue. Aside from some declarations of love, and some shoulder stroking, it is as yet unclear just how much sexual contact the two men of this quartet, Tahl and Michael, engage in. Meanwhile, the more Jen reveals, the more mind-boggling her participation in this whole thing is. Looking like an exact mix of Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph who’s always about to cry and who wears her relative frigidity on her sleeve (or, in the case of the scene above, around her neck as represented by a scarf), she is a stick in the mud (but not the butt). She says things like, “Penetration is a big deal for me,” and looks dour during the sex that’s presented routinely on the show, softcore style. At one point, when Kamala is riding Tahl, she asks, “Do you need me to slow down, Jen?” Jen responds, “Um,” and then murmurs yes, spoiling the entire point of everything.

   Jen’s behavior is extreme for an extreme show in a genre that is fueled by extreme human behavior. And for that she is the breakout. In her meek way, she rules the roost since, as Kamala (a sex therapist, by the way) notes, their group goes “as slow as the person with the shortest legs.” Jen’s a self-inflicted amputee, a sado-masochist who doesn’t need whips or chains. She is as infuriating as she is fascinating.

   Polyamory’s pleasures aren’t entirely cerebral – in fact, its trash appeal is key. The Real Sex-esque sex aside, you could create a drinking game that would get you so bombed as to consider polyamory yourself (if you haven’t already) from just taking a shot every time someone says something that was spawned from and exists only in this universe (Kamala: “When Michael said that I was acting monogamous, I was like, who are you talking about? I’m the queen of poly. Who are you calling mono?”). Even better is the poly lingo. The male-female-female thruple of Anthony, Lindsay (a married couple) and Vanessa (their girlfriend) regularly say things like “honoring the function of the triad” and “new relationship energy” and, “I think you can be grateful about this pain.”

   This triad has issues similar to the foursome: uncertainty, jealousy and how outside relational offshoots affect the foundation of the group. Anthony and Vanessa (who seem to be way less connected than Lindsay and Vanessa) team up to cut off Lindsay from her new boyfriend, Krystof, and the rationale is all very convoluted. Vanessa is just jealous, ultimately. In a moment of canned interview clarity, she tells the camera, “I’m running up against the fact of polyamory, which is that I have to practice what I preach and open up the door for Lindsay to love someone new.” Of course, she’s also being called on to practice what she practices. Except, it’s different for her than it is for her partners.

   The tangles keep tangling, and the ways that these lives deviate and intersect with society’s idea of normal relationships keep spiraling. As Anthony explains, “The problem isn’t so much that I’m not the marriage type; marriage isn’t my type. It’s not my fault that marriage has such a narrow definition now. You should never be telling people how to live their private lives, tell them what kind of family should have. And it’s amazing that most people accept this but can’t make the connection with poly.”

   While the show illustrates the emotional complications and possible turmoil that result from loving more than one person, it humanizes those involved to a degree that we’ve never seen. It is at once a cautionary tale and an argument for the freedom to participate in these kinds of living/loving situations. As such, it is as complicated, strange, hilarious and involving as these situations clearly are themselves.

   Reply

    
6. 

   Michael

   August 7, 2012 at 7:22 am

   Sex Icon Spotted Downtown
   by Michael McClure on Monday, August 6, 2012 at 11:38pm ·

   Since I became a TV personality in showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating I assumed I would be more attractive and get more sex from my wife. Actually, nothing changed. So I figured, maybe other people would notice me when I went out on the town. But I don’t go out much. I’d like to say I’m too busy at home having sex with my wife and lovers, but that wouldn’t be totally honest. Honesty is one of the main definitions of being polyamorous.

   So Tahl and I went downtown on Friday to see if we could get recognized. It was fun walking around in the Gaslamp area. We even went into the club where Roxanne and I had a “tea and a chat” in episode 4. But nobody recognized us. We wandered over to the Mad House comedy club in Horton Plaza and had them seat us in back. Not because we were worried about being bothered by fans, but because we got there late.

   After the show, as we walked out, the headliner comics were greeting people at the door. One of the comedians stopped me and asked, “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” Oh yeah, here we go. Is this my first recognition? “From TV I think, right?” Yeah, yeah…you can do it. “Is it on… Showtime?” BINGO! ” What’s the word? Poly…” Yeah, polyamory. Hurray! My first and only celebrity spotting!

   The comedian, Jason Lawhead from LA (very funny by the way) said he watched our show with a girlfriend and it brought them closer. Did we get him laid? No, but the show was hot enough to bring them closer. I’ll take that as a success.

   I thanked Jason because we were actually out on the town looking to get recognized. I told him the only thing that would have made it perfect was if a fan recognized me and then had sex with me. I asked if he would have sex with me, but he didn’t. Afterwords, Tahl said he thought Jason was considering my offer, but I wasn’t sure. He has Sports Fan on his stand up comedian business card so I figured it wasn’t likely.

   Reply